The power of surrender
Sitting down to write about what has happened in the past few months seems a bit daunting. It's been a wild ride. So I will start with the word SURRENDER.
Many of you who may be following me on social media may know that in November of last year, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Even though it was the very best kind of breast cancer (early stage/contained) it still was a lot to process. I went through many tests and scans and then had a lumpectomy and a very easy recovery in February (thank you healthcare team).
People have been commenting to me about how well I've been taking the diagnosis and how brave I am to even travel to India a few weeks after my surgery. And while I appreciate the sentiment and I'm glad to provide some inspiration of resilience, what they may not see is the journey that lead up to my cancer journey.
At the beginning of every year, I choose a few words to guide me as intentions for what I'd like to create that year. In 2022 I chose SURRENDER. I've mentioned before in this newsletter and on my podcast about how difficult the past two years had been. For a number of reasons, the trauma in my body had reestablished itself and I was waking up so depressed and full of anxiety each day to the point where I was barely able to function. I was also trying to build two businesses at the same time as dealing with both chronic physical issues and mental health struggles (I do not recommend this FYI). It was a dark time and I saw no way out.
SURRENDER.
A little voice in me kept telling me to stop. To surrender what my trauma-driven mind thought I needed to do in order to serve the bigger needs of my soul and body. Through the process of surrender, I began to get really honest about what I needed. I found that this path involved selling the house (and amazing studio) that we just bought two years prior and moving to a place that brought us back to ourselves. This path made little logical sense, but both my husband and I felt that we needed to surrender to this tug of our hearts.
Once we made this decision and surrendered the how and why to the greater universe, everything that followed seemed like one miracle after another. We had two bids on the same day and our house sold for the asking price. We found the PERFECT apartment with everything on our list of wants and needs. The depression almost instantaneously lifted and I felt like myself again. I had the motivation to go deep into healing my body and reconditioning the trauma into expansion.
And then I got the diagnosis. I could have gone into pity - "why me? I was just beginning to feel better and now THIS..." but I didn't. (well maybe for a few days ) I knew that I was in a MUCH better place mentally and physically than I had been the past two years and that I'd already been through HELL both physically and emotionally. I honestly was just so happy to be alive and in a good place that I had a ton of energy to put toward healing myself.
I had already been working towards healing in my diet and exercise so when I got the news, I began working with an Ayurvedic practitioner and doing a ton of meditation every day to get back to myself and begin to heal the trauma response in my body. I have had more energy in the past few months than I have had in years and I'm so excited to be even more passionate about my work and calling.
SURRENDER.
This is also one of my words for this year and I'm getting deeper and deeper into how to use it. A new friend recommended the book It's not Your Money by Tosha Silver and it was an amazing reminder that we can surrender every single thing in our life for the greater good. This is an intense practice and it may not be for everyone, but it seems that my life has always called me to surrender in some way which is why I do the work that I do. And the results are incredible.
I just went on a trip to India for 2 1/2 weeks, staying at an ashram and learning more about yoga, and surrendering every little thing. Yoga is all about the balance of surrender and showing up to do the work. It seems that when I would surrender the stranglehold of what my mind was attached to, and allow myself to show up for what naturally came next, then something of more intense beauty would arise.
For example, at the last minute, the airline canceled my last flight home from San Francisco to Seattle and wouldn't refund me. I could have gotten angry and spent all night on the phone with them, but instead, I decided to use my miles to cover a new flight. I weirdly got a first-class flight for the same price. So, at the end of a grueling 24-hr day of travel felt like such a blessing. I was able to use the lounge to freshen up and chill, then get my meal for free and blissfully watch the sunset as we were touching down in Seattle.
Surrender works. I don't know how, but it does. As we head into Spring, I'll be sharing more about how surrender is a part of the creative process, and how you can use it in your life and work.
Lots of Love,
Esther